Falling for Gray

Created by Andre Wallace in 1984, these two girls have been sitting on a railing, sharing confidences, outside the City Library all of that time.

Created by Andre Wallace in 1984, these two girls have been sitting on a railing, sharing confidences, outside the City Library all of that time.

With my religious upbringing, I believed it was important to keep my physical sexuality on lockdown; but as a millennial, I quickly learned how exciting online chatrooms could be and spent many of my teen years cybersexxing as much as possible. I loved the sexually charged content, my arousal, and the creative writing opportunity a good cybersex session provided. 

I started to frequent a ‘public sex chatroom’ which sounds more fun than it was haha. Basically, as a chat room, everyone could read what everyone else typed, so a ‘private’ cybersex session became very ‘public’. Gray and I started chatting and instantly clicked. After a few days, it felt like we knew each other forever and we started talking on the phone daily. After a week or so, Gray was gone one evening and I was in the chatroom making other friends. Emily was an old-timer who had just returned to the chatroom and when we met, we hit it off and started gabbing away. I remember asking her if she thought online relationships had a shot. Her response? She herself had been a long time skeptic about online relationships, but had recently decided that she did indeed love someone she had met online. 

“Do you know Gray? He’s in this room sometimes. He’s been into me, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted, but now I know I love him.” 

My heart plummeted. I had to wait until later that evening to talk to Gray about my conversation with Emily. He cried, conflicted between me and our blossoming relationship and his still-present love for Emily who had just returned. 

He chose her. 

Emily was using false photos on the internet, so their relationship quickly fizzled. Gray sought solace with me and we once again started to nurture a romance and friendship. 

Eventually, I felt a distance, and when prodded, Gray expressed that I was both too fat and too black and that he was worried about what his family and friends would think about me and us. This would not be the last time I heard either sentiment, but as this was the first, I listened to Gray’s story calmly, secure in my own existence, but extremely curious about his and the factors in his life that made him too fearful or unable to love and be with me for me. 

I had too much respect for myself and was too scarred by our romance to continue, but Gray and I had truly developed a friendship and that friendship continues to this day. We were there for each other while we dated and found love with others and I’m more caught up on his life than classmates from cosmetology school!

~ Mimi Asirin

Comments

  1. Lil' Miss Gossip says:

    I do have to say that you are a good writer, so if anything came out of the cybersexing it was your writing chops and your friendship with Gray. I’m not sure how many women out there would still stay friends with someone from the remarks he made to you about your weight and skin color. I personally would be offended, but if you are comfortable in your skin and you’ve moved past it to make amends, that is all that matters.

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