What Went Wrong?

When you’re young, everything you do defines who you grew up to be later on in life. Well, when I was a kid, I didn’t really have friends that were boys. I grew up being so shy that when a guy comes up to talk to me I blush. I get flattered because they chose to talk to ME. That caused confusion between romance and friendship because of the fact I didn’t really know how to have guy friends. Therefore, I had many crushes growing up and kept convincing myself I loved them. In kindergarten, there was Taylor. I had such a crush on him, I wrote his name all over the bathroom walls in my house. I was a mess.

Crush-1024x959In 3rd grade, I was positive I was ‘in love’ with one of my good friends Nick. He was a red head with a killer smile. Mr. S made us have these little note card pouches to hang on the wall, I forgot what they were for, and we each had one with our name on them. One day Nick was messing with me; I think he called me dumb and so I went and wrote “is dumb” under his name on the note card pouch. And sure enough, I spelled it wrong, sure enough I got caught, sure enough I got in trouble. Then to make things worse, my “friend” right as we were in line to go to recess, she had to use the bathroom. Odds were, Nick and his best friend were already over there getting water. Nick came back and said, “Jennifer, I already know you like me.” And I was freaking out so I asked him who was the rat and it was one of my friends at the time. I forgot her name, but she sorta did me a favor. We never went out but it was nice knowing he knew. We were really good friends though throughout the year, but after 3rd grade, that was it. We stopped talking. In 9th grade, he would occasionally tap my shoulder every now and then as he would pass by and he’d have the cutest smirk on his face. Made me happy knowing he remembered me. Then a month ago or so, I saw him at a gas station buying cigs. You can’t even imagine how happy I was seeing him. I wasn’t shy anymore, so I said hi with the biggest smile on my face and he held the door for me as I went in. He still had the cutest smile and the red locks.

In middle school, I had crushes here and there. 99% of them were small meaningless crushes, just boys to look at. In 6th grade, I had a small little crush on Romero S. My cousin not too long ago told me he liked me as well and she swore up and down that I knew. I DID NOT! Not surprised because I never won at getting guys. Didn’t really matter much, he wasn’t the purpose. I wanted to write about my crushes and love failures. In 7th grade, I finally had a boyfriend. Not exactly eye catching, but at the moment I liked him. It was so weird because I wasn’t really sure if I legit liked him or I just missed him cause I haven’t seen him since 4th grade. Anyway, we never kissed, thank God. That same year, I went out with Sean.

Advice-about-CrushSean is the cause of all my current pains. I don’t even know how to put all the thoughts about him down on this computer. He was a failure and a success at the same time. Sean is the first guy that ever made me feel special…via MySpace. MySpace was our way of communication. I remember we’d always tell each other ‘I love you’ and I’ll never forget the day he sent me a drop of water in the shape of a heart. I’m sure that picture is somewhere on Google.com. We also had a song; it was “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis. I remember when my best friend at the time would always try to talk to him for me and when I dyed my hair in highlights, she went up to him and asked him if he liked it. She asked him if I looked prettier and he said yeah. There was this girl, not gonna say her name, who was extremely jealous of me cause he liked ME and not her. She was so pretty and I felt weird how he chose me over her. It was a good feeling though. I appreciated it.

Continuing on, in school I was still way too shy to have a boyfriend; I don’t know how I even had one. Behind the computer, I was so confident to him and in person, I wouldn’t even want to go near him. Maybe cause I didn’t like myself. I hated how I looked, I despised it, which ruined my confidence. Well, it was time to pay the piper for my lack of confidence around him. This girl in my class told me he was gonna break up with me cause I never talk to him in school. I was heartbroken. I had to break up with him first. Well actually, my best friend at the time made me break up with him cause she said it would be better for me to do it first. I couldn’t do it myself though, I had her do it. She was more than happy to, which seemed weird to me. Breaking up with him was the only choice I had. I for sure didn’t wanna get dumped. I was about to end this story but I remembered he messaged me on MySpace asking me why I broke up with him and I told him cause I heard he was gonna break up with me. He told me that he wasn’t. And then I told him that my friend pushed me into breaking up with him cause it would be better for me dumping him, rather than him dumping me. And him and I were suspicious of my friend, cause I told him I didn’t want to. I should’ve changed for him. I think that’s why Bleeding Love is such a good song for us. It explains everything perfectly. He was my first failure at love. But even though he says he didn’t want to, and I obviously didn’t want to either, we kept it at that. We never went back together. That was it.

carnival ride signWe have this thing in my town called Georgefest. It’s always in February and that was when Johnny noticed me. We were partners for a sweet 15 and didn’t talk; but at Georgefest, he came up to me. We were talking and he asked me if I wanted to get on a ride with him. I didn’t have any more tickets so I told him that. That didn’t stop him from getting on the ride with me. He paid for my tickets and everything. We got on the ride and he was asking me how old I was and he was 16 at the time and I must’ve been 14. He told me he was scared of the ride but only got on it cause he wanted to get on with me. So after the ride, it was time for me to go home. He wanted my number, but I didn’t have a phone, so I gave him my MOM’S. How embarrassing! He didn’t know, but still! We began texting and I don’t remember when exactly we started going out, but we did and I was so childish with that relationship. As soon as I heard he wanted me to skip school with him, I was out. I was an angel back then, no smoking, no drinking, no partying, no skipping class or school. So we broke up. I don’t know when I realized it, but I had wished I never broke up with him, well at the time. It was pretty obvious, we kept being friends to this day. Sorta.

It was time for high school now. Boy, I tell you, 9th grade was hell with my love life. I met Gary. The first week of school he had already wanted to go out with me and I was all shy so I kept saying no. He kept asking and asking and I don’t remember when I gave in, he even had his friends bugging me about him. We began dating on September 11, 2009. I can’t believe I still remember. That same day we begin dating, we went to go see G.I. Joe. Ugh, I was such a baby. I didn’t even wanna hold hands with him until Jackie told us to. I was so stupid. Gary was the first guy I ever cried over. When I say cry, I legit bawled my eyes out. After school, when I got into my sisters truck, I couldn’t hold it in and I just let go. Him and I were on and off throughout the year. I think we dated 3-4 times. My spring break consisted of me sneaking out with him and that’s how I got my first kiss. We were laying out at night in some ditch a few streets down from him. And I even got to sleep in his bed cause my cousin was late in picking me up. Anyway, a few days after that night, we broke up, for good this time. I swear he was the only one for me at the time. But that’s the past now.

tumblr_m2x22vHyxX1rusks5o1_500Guess who’s coming back to my life again…Sean. But only seasonal. Summer was me and Sean’s thing. I say it like that cause I refuse to accept the fact that it was a fling even though it was completely a summer fling. The first summer we only started talking after the whole 7th grade episode. The second summer was when we let our lips talk. I was always at Jackie’s house and he would now and then go over and we’d sit on the couch together and he’d always try touching me. But I didn’t let him. We definitely cuddled a little though. Until my mom got there. She ruined the illusion. He had to sit up, meanwhile I was still laying down. That didn’t stop him from still attempting to touch me. Sean is scandalous. I remember we were texting one day and he asked me if I was at my cousins house cause he was going over. I have no clue how we got there, but apparently, he asked me if I was gonna give him a kiss and obviously I said yes. And when he got there, I was so nervous cause I wasn’t sure what kind of kiss he wanted. He was walking out the door and was signaling me to go with him but I was such a scardy cat. Until Jackie told me that she and I were going to go walk him to his truck and she left me out there by myself. I like the way she thinks. So I did walk him to his truck. And I did my best to avoid that kiss but I wasn’t good at avoiding it. He wanted it and was good at showing that he wanted it, but I wasn’t. I wanted it, but didn’t know the right way to show it. He knew that by attempting to leave, I would give him one. He was smart because it’s true. Finally, I gave in and his lips were so soft and the way he kissed was so sweet. I was definitely happy with myself. That was our first kiss ever, but surely not our last.

Last summer was different. He would occasionally go over to my cousins house and we’d be a moment together, but nothing happened. My cousin had a TV in his room, so I would always be in there watching Netflix. When Sean was over, we cuddled about once or twice. One night though, I was sleeping in the living room cause it was extremely hot in my room. It was about 2am and I couldn’t sleep and I was fighting the urge to check my phone, so I finally did and Mr. Soft Lips texted me. He said that he was at my cousins house and I wasn’t there to cuddle with him. And as a joke, I told him to come over and then he asked if he could. It was late and I wanted to see him and nobody was awake except my sister so I said, why not. He literally was here about 5 seconds later, I’m not kidding. So we came to my room and he just launched himself into my bed like he owned the place. I was standing for a couple of seconds cause I didn’t know what his intentions were or what I should do. I finally laid down next to him. We were talking, not sure about what, but things started to get a little frisky. We started kissing, and next thing I know, Im’ on top of him full on making out. I’m still a virgin, don’t worry. Not gonna lie, I really wanted to, but thank God I saved myself. That night was the farthest we’d ever gone. The next day I woke up with 3 hickies, one on my neck, and 2 on my chest. But that was the end of it. That night made me realize so much. I loved him and I hated him at the same time.

tumblr_ltd5ujPy9u1qiccwjo1_500I realized that it was a fling; nothing more, nothing less. We never talked after that, only at school. If I had lost my virginity to him, all I would’ve been was a quickie. I couldn’t stand seeing him around school. I couldn’t stand seeing him with other girls. Throughout the school year, I hated him more and more. To the point where every night was dreadful because I always think about that night and how he made me feel. And wondering how he feels now and if he ever thinks about me. Every single night I wonder if he misses me. I was emotionally falling apart. I hated him for making me feel the way I do.I hate myself more for allowing myself to fall into the game. In school, I had to deal with seeing him every day and pretend that everything was A-OK and it wasn’t and I wonder if he knew. I felt like a fool because I feel like if I text him, he wouldn’t even think twice about texting back. That thought just tore me apart.

~ Jennifer M.

~ Jennifer M.

But when you fall, you just pick yourself up and dust yourself off, right? So that’s what I’m doing. Even though yes, often I miss him, but I deserve better. Someone who will appreciate me being there. I’ve waited since 7th grade; how many other girls would wait that long for a guy? I can’t wait for the day that he realizes what a prick he is. If it’s all just a game to him, I’m not waiting for him anymore. I’m done with the waiting.

Comments

  1. natarican says:

    OMG JEN! So good :’) you go glen coco!

  2. Lil' Miss Gossip says:

    Every relationship that you step in and out of, gears you up for the next one. You do learn from each one, what you want and don’t. I would say ‘nothing went wrong’ with any of them. It just takes time to find someone that fits your needs. Maybe all you needed was to grow up along the way, to really know what love is, when you get it.

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